And damn. It got me good. The few folks scattered throughout the theater shared jagged ugly cries of release that would subside and then come back in waves breaking through moments of calm and laughter. It was grief. The movie smartly skipped the 4 years of unwatchable grief(as well as the unwatchable sequels after the origial movie.:..) It skipped the parts that's aren't interesting or dramatic, the parts that are about surviving somehow, that have no plot and no connective tissue. Now I don’t know if the other viewers scattered throughout, sniffling and trying to keep it together like me came expecting a rom com and like me were met with something better than laughs: unplanned catharsis but, I do know that in me, A dam broke. One I’ve been trying to hold for a month to 2 years.
I think that it can sometimes be excruciating to be a human.
And I don't know that that's true for everyone but I know it's true for me so I'm sure it's true for some people. And I find the least effective way is to pretend that it's not, for me at least. It takes so much more energy and makes me feel even more inept that I can't simply make it not so. What’s wrong with me? I’m doing what I love. IN Barcelona. But I have learned I can show up as much as I can but I can’t be where I’m not. And trying has broken my brain at least once and I really don't want that to happen if at all avoidable. So
What's cool, or what's possible, if you're lucky enough or proactive enough or whatever to be continually surrounded by new people or opportunities is that you gain more tools. And you're not always able to use them right away (or at all:) And it can be kind of crushing actually to have a tool that has worked before and it doesn't work. Because you're all proud and think you've figured something out and then NOPE, haha. So. Then you get to decide if it gets thrown away or put aside for later. But you do have more.. More access, availability or support to remind you ‘oh this is a tool.’ And even if you can't see it right then it does stay there until things have cleared enough.
And you’ve dipped down enough and come back enough ( though rarely how you want to or fast enough or in the prettiest way) to know the comeback is possible. But I think it's can be really hard because you have felt the excruciatingness and it is really hard knowing that's probably going to come back. But you also have the knowing that even when you can't see it or feel it, you have actually experienced the hope or the relief or the clearing which at times didn’t feel possible. Whether it’s external things or internal things. Or the hot mix of both that can feel overwhelming. The world is overwhelming. LIfe can be. Death too.
And at my best having been through things like this make me more compassionate and aware. And at my worst, when I don't have space to do anything other than hold on it makes me even more frustrated with myself because I'm being negatively narcissistic and my lack of compassion towards myself and others is just another way I'm failing. Which. Is why.
Which is why, when I can. I practice play. I practice counting only the wins. I make lists of every little thing I've ever accomplished(I woke up!) When I can, I do my best to create those spaces for other people and myself. And take stock when that's where I'm failing. I send postcards. I doodle. I make dumb videos to make myself smile or make myself move. I waste my time in those ways. In the worthiest way. And I surround myself with the very best people.
And try to give myself space to mourn and celebrate in equal measure. Because I am doing my best. And the only habit I don't want coming back to stay is beating myself up and then "treating other people like I treat myself." (shoutout to my first therapist!)
Walking around Barcelona after Bridget Jones, a dam broke.
So. The dam broke. Which is actually great. Because now we can assess the damage and rebuild.
Or swim.
Comments