This morning, I got up around 5:10, took out the recycling before the 6am deadline, watched the sunrise, put the Calm app on and went back to sleep. In the dream I had just before I woke up a contact was trying to coordinate me taking over a "Forms" improv class for another teacher(often my dreams are quite literal continuing to work through my anxieties by putting them in my dreams. I'm doing a lot of logistical workshop planning right now...) And just before my eyes fluttered open I asked "What's the point?"
It was a really straightforward and also far reaching question. In the dream I was trying to get to the center of what the class was for. Yes, it was about teaching improvisational forms but what was the intended outcome. But I used the specific phrase "What's the point?"
I sometimes(sometimes often, sometimes possibly in moments when it would be preferable to ...not) suffer from the mind aching, activity halting "But What's the Point?!" question popping up quite out of nowhere seemingly as a way to remind myself of my mortality and the futility of, you know, everything. It threatens to take away the joy of following through on whatever thing I've put in motion or the possibilities. Threatens to immobilize. Threatens to wreck me on an unreachable island I shall occupy all alone, untouchable, until I die, soon, as I try to light it and myself on fire. But this quick glimpse of a dream, I think, was maybe giving me something to do with this capital Q, question. Instead of ask it as though I already know the answer "Well, nothing, silly girl, there is no point so just die a little inside as you continue to also die on the outside..." Perhaps, I can turn it into a dialogue and answer as though it is is a simple question of logitistics and means nothing more than "What are we aiming at when we do this specific thing?" Because in the dream's context what I was asking is "What is the point of this class; to teach forms, to grow perspective, to build community, etc etc. What was the intention so that I could put my energy into creating that experience for the students and honor what the original teacher wanted." In each simple and straight forward class description "Improv" there are a thousand different ways to interpret and teach and that's what we are as artists, interpreters who take aim. Doesn't mean we'll hit the mark, just gets us making choices. So, what's the point? Today? Today. To hydrate, to breath and show up. Tomorrow? Maybe to get cash, to charge my appliances and pack. What for?