My Year of Crisps
As my year(10 months) of (charity)Care (fulltime)work in Scotland is coming to an end: I’ve been reflecting. I know these will change and I will contradict myself but here are 38 thoughts as I gear up to turn 3008 next week.
I am capable of more than I thought.
I generally get along better with neurodiverse people.
When I am stressed/feel unsafe or unheard I shut down. It’s obviously to protect but it is not helpful. I lose sight of the bigger picture and tend to get caught in the noise. I also lose compassion for people who I feel are in the wrong and can control it. And that is ok. I forgive me.
Despite how my brain sometimes twists it-I have a pretty wonderful support system.
Hustle, which is not bad, does not leave you time to reflect but it is built into my mode of operation and must be occasionally powered down from the outside.
We live in a capitalist society so some mid level foxes follow what they’re getting paid to do because food is good.
Practice. All things require practice. When you stop practicing something it stops being a part of you. The longer and more presently you have practiced it in the past the quicker it comes back. But it. Requires. Practice. Which. I find. To be. Rude.
I love setting intentions and goals and I think I’ve gotten better at letting go of them in my shattered moments, otherwise it’s just another way to make myself feel bad.
I still hold so much shame in my body.
Focusing on another person calms my system and allows me patience I didn’t know was in me. But it is a limited resource.
I do not feel like the way I operate is ok. I understand intellectually that it is(or at least accepting it is the best thing I could do) I just don’t feel it. And that is ok.
12. The most vulnerable are not taken care of,
ever. Even in a sector that works with disabilities, the loudest is always favored and rewarded. Systems are bad.
13. I am better with strangers and clearly defined roles.
14. I google basic things. Like how to be a human. Like, 100% unironically. I think that’s probably why I love improv so much. For whatever reason- whether because I’m feeding off the energy of an audience or partner or because there’s distance from myself or because I grew up doing theater and it’s a controlled way of getting attention how and when you want it- I have always felt free onstage, out of my head. With practice sometimes this flows into my life.
15. I think that I have an idea of ‘letting go' as a thing you work towards until you get it but I think it’s an action and a practice (at least for me) of doing it over and over again with the same thing/s and it simply may not ever get easier for me. And that is ok.
16. My feelings may not match my actions. That’s not the point but that is the struggle.
17. Life is constantly allowing myself to grieve my expectations before accepting what is.
18. I am many people because of society and probably coming from a theater family and being bipolar -I most often present the extroverted one. I think it’s a muscle I overworked. I think it’s confusing to me and other people and much tension arises from my inability, self-righteous disinterest or lack of security in communicating this. I am all contradictions and inconsistencies. Tis what it tis.
19. I think I love teaching because I give very good advice and then I have to follow it when I’m stuck. It's kind of accountability to me. If I would DARE to speak on it I better be putting it into action and struggling through it. This is particularly good as I dooooo take myself raaaather seriously.
20. Many of the people who do the most damage think they are good people.
21. Needing to monetize something changes its dna.
22. Our world/society is not made for people.
23. Mission Statements are Aspirational: read them accordingly.
24. Put a 10 second delay on your work emails.
25. My life is constantly overcorrecting and redirecting.
26. Bosses should not have access to your cell phone, we use them for too much and often they have work phones and the ability to switch off whereas we, do, not.
27. I am extremely proud of myself for this year. But it is an odd thing to have a mental illness where you have to be wary when you feel good or handle things well. I don’t fear it as much as I did two years ago but it’s still there(and I guess in some form always has been.) Stay curious.
28. I love that my brain won’t allow me to stay in situations that are bad for me. It literally breaks. It’s not necessarily comfortable but it is kind of magical.
29. Sometimes I can’t see beauty so I take pictures in hopes that later I’ll be able to look back and 1) see the beauty and 2) recognize that those things pass even though they have never been as bad and will never end. I have a kind of amnesia.
30. It is hard to know what to hold onto when you have a brain that sometimes cannot connect to the things that you know inspire(d) you and might again but also might not. There are times when I literally can’t read. Like I can’t read. Or walk. It sucks.
31. I have no idea what I look like so about 5,000 of the 10,000 photos on my phone are of myself trying to figure it out. I hope I don’t delete the ones I think are unflattering now and rob someone or myself of seeing who I actually am.
32. I don’t care what anyone says: horoscopes are fun. So are crystals.
33. Baths are great.
34. Autistic people are funnier than you. This is probably a generalization I will stand by. I have laughed more authentically this year than I have in… fucking years. And I basically laugh for a living so...
35. Whether or not I want them; I am going to mourn over and over again all the things in life I won’t have.
36. It is crushing that education costs so much. I would love to learn so many things, just to learn them and I only get to take like one or two classes a year (and usually because my folks gift it to me) because I can’t afford it. That shouldn’t be how it is. But I do appreciate the experiences an incredible amount, maybe because they are so hard to scrape together… or maybe because I love learning. Who knows.
37. This year I have been kind. Compassionate. Honest. Both Open and Armored. Trapped. Righteous. Playful. Flexible. Inflexible. And fucked up. I am so proud.
38. Put the umbrella in your bag.